Antici.... pation

I wasn't prepared for the anticipation of it. Once we decided, the want came along - naturally - but I didn't realize that once we started moving toward the event itself, I'd be quite so eager. I want to be pregnant. I want to have a child with Wes and see what that child will look like, how they'll act. I want to find out what kind of mom I'll be.

Part of me (the rational part, maybe?) is scared half to death too. Because what if I'm a TERRIBLE mom. What if we have a terrible kid who throws tantrums nonstop and enjoys throwing food? I really don't know. Right now I'm wishing and I'm hoping and I'm keeping my fingers crossed. So wish us luck and pray that I keep firm hold on my sanity (I'm trying, honest!).

The Wa-a-a-i-ting

Not not trying is going just fine.  Lots of the good stuff. You know what I mean. lol Of course it also adds a little weird thrill/fear/excitement. Because it could be anytime. It could be two years from now. We don't know - and we know we'd be happy whenever. Sure, I'd love to still be skinny and pretty the day we got married, plus be able to do a shot or whatever at the reception, but if I'm pregnant instead? That's fine too. It will be different, but it will be equally fine.

Once we get our craft room finished, we'll probably start working toward having our guest room/nursery in better shape. We want to do the floors and things like that. Prep work. :: nervous flutter ::

Not Not Trying

We're officially not NOT trying. Which doesn't mean we're trying exactly, but... you all know what I mean. We are off birth control and just letting things happen. We've planned a wedding for October, but if it comes down to it, we'll push that up and hit the courthouse and put our funds toward baby prep. The fact is that after eight years together, we're more worried about the idea of working on us and building our family than getting the proper piece of paper in the traditional way. I like that about us. Marriage means something, but it doesn't mean everything.

In any case, that's the latest and greatest. I am scared, excited, and feeling like I'll probably be spending the foreseeable future wondering if it's happened yet. Wish us luck!

Thinkin' and Wishin'

It's fascinating how frightening and exciting at the same time that it is getting closer to time. We haven't set a date yet. We're still paying down credit cards and getting ourselves all prepared. It's nice knowing that we're preparing. It's nice knowing that the time will come even if we aren't sure precisely when the time is.

It's also scary. I wonder some days whether I'll be a good mom. Okay, a lot of days. Sometimes I'm certain. Sometimes I know I'll do just fine, that I can take care of someone else and still keep my sanity. Then some days I'm run ragged and wonder how I can do work and keeping everything sane at home AND have a baby, not to mention how to pay for things like childcare. It scares me how much that costs!

But we'll figure it out. Somehow, we'll figure it out.

Wanting

I'm having one of those weeks where my want outweighs my common sense a bit. My body is ready, though my mind knows we need to get prepared still and work to where we need to go. It frustrates me a bit that every time we get on track, finances get in the way. We are, however, getting better. We're getting smarter and more practical, and we're on track. I'm just not having a patient week or two.

To Do

Things to do before we have a baby:

• Get our finances in order - We're actually well on our way to this, we just need to keep paying down debts like we're doing. Go us!

• Put wood floors down in the "animal room" - That will be the nursery, and there's no way I'm letting a kid onto those nasty carpets.

• Accumulate baby stuff - Slowly purchase some of the stuff we need so it doesn't all hit at once expense wise.

• Go through old kid stuff - Box up and label my legacy stuff so that it's ready for storage or kid use when the time comes.

Planning

I'm a planner. It doesn't always work, but I like to plot, to plan, to make sure I know what I'm doing before I do it.

So thinking about having a baby is definitely a surprise even to me. I never pictured myself reproducing. Quite the opposite. I was content to let my friends do it, to let them deal with the difficulty and the pain and the annoyance. And then one day I realized that I liked the idea of parts of having a kid and that, worse, I was slowly coming to like more and more of them.

This threw my personal perception off kilter in a serious way, and I admit that I'm not done entirely feeling off kilter yet. But my wonderful geeky guy and I have talked, and we're doing it. Not yet, but we are. Right now, we're planning the things we want done, figuring things out, and making sure to take care of us first. When the time comes, we'll have to put ourselves a bit further back on the priority list than we're used to.

Long story short? This is a blog (currently private) where we can spill all our thoughts and feelings and random rambling about having a child and expanding our family.